From Me, To God

**February 18, 2018**

Dear God,

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve let you down and I’m a total failure.

I’ve failed at fasting, at managing my money and parenting.

The clutter of my home is encircling me and I don’t FEEL like cleaning.

God, the busy-ness of my life creates the mess in my home that catalyzes the claustrophobia in my mind and I’m losing it.

Even worse...

Neglecting time with You has been one of my many part time jobs lately.

Consumed with frustration and worry, I’ve cried. But not really cried out.

To You.

Irritable and short tempered, I FEEL weak and tired.

My failure makes me ashamed and I want to hide from You.

But I also want to run to You, to FEEL You near.

I don’t understand.

How will this work out? Will it REALLY be okay in the end?

I’m not enough, am I? I can’t do anything right.

How could You love me, like this? This person that I am!

Dear God,

I’m cracking. My fearless, brawny exterior is cracking. I need You!

Amen

-a prayer in the storm

This prayer is over a year old. I remember so vividly the frustration that was eroding my faith that it all was really going to be well with my soul. And today, I only feel A LITTLE more sure. But even that little bit has been a weight lifted, an eye-opening relief and a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. God doesn’t often ease our strain in a way or time frame that we see as fitting. I mean everything in our society is so urgent yet God isn’t governed by our standards. So, He took His time with my heart and softened it over the past year. He gently held my hand and led me to this place of grace towards myself, faith in Him beyond my FEELINGS and courage to change for the better. I’m happy I gave these feelings to God because in His hands they've been transformed into the actions that are pressing me forward into the next chapter. So, onward and upward through this season of transition and growth. (It would probably move more swiftly if I didn’t take action begrudgingly, lol. It’s getting there.)