My Greatest Ministry

I've been absent. Here. But not. "Where have you been?" you ask. Well, I've been in the future where I finally have the income that sustains, what I consider to be, a reasonable quality of life. A future of travel, impact, financial freedom, love instead of loneliness, a home that is paid for, and a car without hideous dents. But that's not the only place I've been. I've also been in the past, where I had less responsibilities, more companionship, a good job (taken for granted) that provided for my family financially and a city that pulsed with life and energy that called for action and adventure. Daydreaming and reminiscing is where I've been, yet has it served God's purpose and will? Not. At. All.

"Grasping for glimmers allows you to appear filled, while actually being starved."

AQNK

In my absence, my writing has slacked as I refuse to write from an unauthentic place. So my voice feel silent. Not wanting to shine any light on the dark, dank recesses of my struggle, I couldn't type any articles. I mean I started this blog to share hope and encourage others, but I found I had none to give, none to share. The mission was to share God's love and light through my own experiences, but did that include when I was stumbling on my journey? Did that mean admitting to moments of hypocrisy and missed opportunity? Well, yes it did. But pride and fear of judgement made me a prisoner in my struggle and I could not bring myself to write about it, not for real.

Prison Life

Being a prisoner can make you an angry person, angry that you're barely getting by instead of grateful that at least you are getting by and have all that you NEED. Angry that you're a single parent instead of appreciating the support you DO have. It can also fill you with pride, so much pride that you refuse to ask for help until you're on your last leg. So much pride that you get into an 'on again/off again, half-present/wholly resentful' time with God situation. Being a prisoner will harden you to the sweet, small things of life like the laughter of your children or the innocence of their folly. It did all these things to me over the last few months and I sat in denial that it was happening because there were glimmers of joy in my life. But the stone cold fact was I was a prisoner.

Grasping for Glimmers

My dear friend Toni once said to me, "You mean you're trying to be spiritually healthy but you're living on spiritual fast food?" (that on/off, half/whole situation I mentioned before). And yes I was. Reading devotions half asleep, still in my bed, while worrying about how I'm going to do XYZ. I was grasping at glimmers instead of humbly submitting, instead of being intentional and focused. It was sad and I had little to nothing to give to my kiddos. I just wanted so bad to have the joy I encourage others to chase, but not wanting to fully relinquish my time to Christ as I knew I should. Pouring from a cup only filled to 1/4 the capacity is NOT A GOOD IDEA GUYS! DON'T DO IT! Grasping for glimmers allows you to appear filled, while actually being starved. And every time I attempted to hunker down and dive in to truly replenish... I convinced myself that I had done enough to keep going and that I had somehow appeased the Lord. When really I had only appeased my pride.

The Body of Christ

Luckily, we don't do this Christian walk alone and I encountered a few family, friends, acquaintances, books and devotions that the Holy Spirit used to check my pride and fear. Bringing me back to the cross with a posture of humility. These conversations were necessary. Like, Tabitha telling me to apply pressure on my job hunt and that the Lord will open the right door at the right time to provide for me and my family and that asking for assistance is not shameful. Then Toni asking me tough questions about my blog article updates and my intentional strategies for teaching my kids about Christ. Oh and my sister, Margaree, basically calling out my life planning skills (with love).

God used these talks to guide me back to Him and His word and the reality that I need Him and that there was something in this very season that needed my attention more than anything else.

Epiphany

With my ambitious nature, the desire to succeed and provide and the feeling of inadequacy I was distracted and torn between now and then (both past and future). Although ambition is good and wanting to provide and succeed are admirable, I think something has shifted and I'm starting to remember what I forgot; the thing God showed me before that took a backseat to the struggle of survival and providing. That my anointing and work isn't in the future success of my goals and dreams but in the present work of my daily life. In this thing called, motherhood.

I wrote an article on taking delight in your children, but all too quickly forgot to heed my own advice (which was pretty good when I was heeding it, that's why I gave it in the first place). To think of the beauty and joy I missed while daydreaming of the future of reminiscing on my past, it's almost criminal. Surely, disrespectful, although unintentional, to my Father. But I pray forgiveness for my pride, fear and selfishness and surrender to the NOW. To the present. To what is happening to and changing in me.

To motherhood, my first and greatest ministry.